Dear Me, Dear You: Love and Fear
“It’s all just a choice right now, between love and fear.”
I am blessed, and cursed, with remarkable self-awareness and a bachelors degree in psychology. I am aware when I am fucking up and often, why I am doing it. I know when I am allowing limiting beliefs, fears, and unhealed trauma to hold me back. From loving more deeply. From reaching out and connecting with people. From writing that book. From trying that new thing. Yet, I feel unable to stop myself. It’s akin to watching a horror movie and you are yelling at the character to not go down into the basement because obviously, if she goes down there, she is going to die, but the character can’t hear you through the t.v., so down they go and die. Except, I can stop myself. I could choose a different way. I could break the cycle.
But sometimes, we get used to the dysfunction. The chaos becomes normal. The sadness becomes familiar. Even though we know these are not optimal, not what we desire, comfort zones are, well, comfortable. Change, even change for the good, can be terrifying. It’s for similar reasons that people who win the lottery are often bankrupt within the year. Good change doesn’t always jive with our own self-image and so we self-destruct.
This too is a choice, self-destruction. A choice based in fear. Staying the same, is also a choice; indecision is a decision. Staying is a fear-based choice. A fear of the unknown. The devil we know often being less fearful than the devil we don’t. Some people say that staying is a sign of strength, of loyalty. I say, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk on and burn the fucking bridge behind you. But those first few steps, are the hardest to take. Fear keeps us stuck. Fear keeps us small. Fear keeps us from showing up. It is saying no, when you really want to say yes. Fear comes from lack. You can live an okay life making fear-based decisions. You can also wind up deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Guaranteed, you will not live a great life, living from fear.
Love is the way forward. Love is life. Love is choosing yourself. Prioritising yourself. Love is saying fuck yes to you, to the things that light you up, to authentic love; a fuck yes to life. Love is saying no, when no is the honest answer. Love is sometimes, often times, doing the scary thing. Love is showing up. Love is being vulnerable. Love is taking that first step, and then the next small step after. Love is doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. You can do hard things. I promise. Love is compassion and kindness. Love takes courage. Love requires tenacity and grit. Love is your intuition in action.
Each moment, we are faced with this choice: love or fear. Every action can be reduced to these two base motivators. Our lives are dictated by which we choose. There is a Native American parable floating around the internet (origin unknown) about two wolves. It goes like this:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute, then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”If we were to name the two wolves, one would be named Love, the other Fear. Both are inside of you, vying for alpha, vying for your life. Which one will you feed? Which one do you choose?
